Because I’m afraid it’ll change me.

And it will.  Because, really, that’s what well-executed engaging technology does.

I imagine that this might be how it must have felt during the dawn of television.  You must have had this whole older generation saying “That infernal contraption in my living room! What is it teaching the young people?” or something like that.

TV’s changed life, then.  In the same way, cellular phones started changing life a decade ago; tablet devices are changing life now (for people who can afford it), and so on and so forth until time immemorial.

No way around it, is there?

Life will speed past you.

It’s where maturity’s supposed to kick in.  Where you’re supposed to take control, because change is inevitably going to happen.  “Change is a constant”.

It’s like in that “Who Moved My Cheese?” book.  You’re supposed to make change happen – “planned change” or something.

I don’t think other people understand how much of a paradigm shift that is.  Am I the only one who’s scared?

Owning a device that can replace a music player, video player, mobile phone, computer, game player, camera – really revolutionary – changes the way you do things — consequently, the way you look at things, the way you solve problems, your mental framework about what goes on in the world.

So why am I afraid?

First up. Personal prejudice.

At the end of the day, it’s largely about me and my perception of people who “get” iPhone and iPod Touch’s.

Maybe it’s part of my contrarianism.  Connected to my desire to seem non-conformist, fear of being too much or looking too much a part of the ruling herd.  It’s because of this urge, this guilt I have of not relating to people who don’t have much.  Not being able to relate to the 90% of the world who can’t afford an iPhone 4s and all its necessary phone cases and data plans.  I’ve always had that pretentious concern.  Probably isn’t healthy.  For one thing, it’s irrational.  I know it is, but I can’t help it.

Underneath the prejudice, it’s really an issue of  my pride and insecurity.

People might not understand this, but I think it’s a distant result of having an insecure self-image.  My issue with relinquishing control over myself.  Relinquishing control over my behavior, desires and people’s impression of me.

I don’t like the idea of this entity inflicting change… Ok, scratch that, I like marketing and advertising, I know.

But those are a blatant form of control, of pandering.  Less insiduous.   This is “baked in”, wrapped up in something I can’t understand.

Leading me to the third reason – ignorance.

This is also partly fear of what I can’t understand, because I don’t try to understand it.

That’s easily “solve”-able at least, I just have to learn about it and make myself more comfortable.

It’s weird that I have issues, you’d think it’d just be about buying it, cracking it open, swiping your finger across it.

That’s how it’s supposed to be, right?

That’s how simple it’s supposed to be.

But I have to make an effing mess out of it – talking about identity, self-image and whatnot.

I know it seems like a joke, and most people don’t get how stupidly fearful I am.  And I think that’s the funny part.  The funny part is that it isn’t a joke.  It isn’t a joke and I’m not exaggerating.

I wish it were some easily dismissable thought, but it isn’t.  If it were, I wouldn’t have to be writing about it just to rationalize these things to myself and make sense of the fear.

It’s not like I can hie myself off to a forest, and I don’t want to be part of some back country life.  I think technology moves too fast for me.  I know I’ve always wanted to go to Japan, and that’s highly technological place.  Maybe it’s a foreign country so it feels “better”, but these are changes in my own country, my own life, an internal shift.

But everything changes you ultimately.

Travel.  Movies.  Really good literature.  So maybe, that’s just that.  I just have to accept that everything changes you and you can’t be a victim to that.  We’ll see how this goes.

I know I have to move forward now.  I know that I don’t have to make it an issue, and I wish it were just that simple for me. But I think it’s also my refusal to relinquish control over shaping my life, and I feel like technology is wresting it from me a bit.  I feel alone in this, too.  Most people seem to be welcoming this with open arms.  Tomorrow, more about my culture-related personal issues with purchasing an iPhone 4s.


One thought on “Irrational, but True: Why I’m Afraid of the iPhone (Part I)

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